About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
