You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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