No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
