do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
