so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
