my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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