You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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