When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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