paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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