So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Randomize
