yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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