the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
