The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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