maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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