It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
