My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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