I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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