Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
