She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
