I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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