I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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