Apparently you make a good broom.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
