I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Found your dick twin last night
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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