Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
