weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
