i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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