you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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