If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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