I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
