I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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