No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
