Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
