I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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