She is in my trunk
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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