nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
