When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
