So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
