Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
