apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
