I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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