youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
