If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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