I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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