i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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