??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
