I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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