Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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