God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize