I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
