Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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