So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize