just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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