he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
