So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
