Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
