I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
