Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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