Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
