my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
